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Project Insomnia

Project Insomnia is many things, but in this context it is simply a "braindump" of whatever I happen to be thinking/reading/watching/doing at the moment. Parental guidance suggested.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Palo Alto parking hearings

Here is what happens when you go to an administrative hearing to dispute a parking violation in Palo Alto.

Before you can be scheduled for a hearing, you have to request an initial review, which will be denied. As far as I can tell, the initial review never results in a citation being dismissed; it seems to be just a way to discourage people from continuing with the dispute process. When you receive the denial, you can request an administrative hearing by phone, by mail, or in person. I couldn’t see how it could be to my advantage to conduct the hearing by phone or mail. Can’t you just imagine how that would work?

By phone:
Me: [why the citation is invalid and should be dismissed]
Hearing officer: uh-huh, very interesting... ooh, blasted that alien!

By mail:
Me: [why the citation is invalid and should be dismissed]
Hearing officer: [sound of paper crumpling and hitting trash can]


So you request an in-person hearing. This request includes you writing a check for the amount of the citation, to be returned to you if (hah!) the citation is dismissed.

You’ll receive a hearing summons. Meanwhile, you’ll most likely get a scary “Delinquent Parking Violation” postcard, as the clock doesn’t stop while you pursue your dispute. The hearings are held in a city recreation building at 3800 Middlefield Road, in Mitchell Park. You sign in and wait and listen to the previous supplicant explain his position and be shot down by the hearing officer. The previous supplicant walks out dejected, and now it’s your turn.

You will be meeting with the most benightedly unintelligent person it’s been my profound lack of pleasure to have been unable to avoid meeting.* He’ll read your written statements (your initial review and administrative hearing requests) and ask for your version of what happened.

Then he’ll tell you why you’re wrong, explain how he’s been doing this for years “in front of juries!”, fit in several unrelated anecdotes and pointless analogies, and generally accuse you of being a filthy liar without actually coming out and saying it. He won’t decide the issue right then—or at least he won’t tell you his decision—but instead, he says, you’ll receive something in the mail.

He’ll shake your hand on your way out.

You’ll want to stop as soon as possible to wash your hands.

Your only real consolation is that you’ve cost the city far more in paper-shuffling and man-hours than your citation cost you.

* credit to Douglas Adams for the exquisite turn of phrase.
|| Andrew, 4:51 PM || ||

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