To: The bastard who somehow obtained my check card number and used it for a shopping spree in SoCal over the weekend

From: Me

Message: Thanks for once again proving to me what a terrific bank I use. They’ve already put the money back into my account, and since you only had the number and not the actual card, the stupid retailers who let you charge with just a card number are going to eat the charges.

Oh, and I hope you die.