After watching the 1971 Warner Bros. classic Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (based, of course, on the Roald Dahl novel), did you ever wonder what happened next? Wonka had just announced that he was giving the multimillion-dollar factory to Charlie Bucket. How would this eight-year-old boy handle it?

Zack “Geist Editor” Parsons of Something Awful has answered that question in a piece he calls “Charlie Bucket and the Chocolate Factory“.

Ladies, gentlemen, Oompa Loompas, thank you all for coming today. As many of you may know the esteemed Mr. Wonka has decided to hand sole ownership of his candy production facility over to me. Mr. Wonka believed that because I was a child I would be naïve and continue to do things around here in the whimsical and shockingly inefficient manner he has. I am here to say that things are not going to be the same at all. After speaking with Mr. Wonka’s accountant I have come to discover that the factory here is rarely operating in the black. In fact, Mr. Wonka has basically saddled me with years of debt caused by some of the ridiculous expenses involved in producing our candy here.

(Something Awful is not a site for children or the easily-offended)